HPT day 4

Ninja.

It isn’t supposed to be like this.

People say things like, “its just math” and that is all to the good- but I can’t get behind it. If I told you there was a 1 million to one chance of you winning and if you win you get 100 million dollars and if you lose you get anally raped- you would probably take that deal. If you lost it would suck pretty hard- but if given the option for a second chance- you would probably still take it right? I mean- a million to one… How many times do you need to lose before you decide that maybe, “its just math” isn’t enough comfort to keep you signing up?

So, signed into a 180 seat 2+25 and a 3600 2+25… not sure how many we will get in the second.

Lets review the trip shall we?

No, we shalln’t! We need to recap today.

Truth and I play the noon tourney at the Gilpin. I get AJsuited, AQoff, and AKsuited within the first six hands. I bet all three preflop. I get callers to all three. I miss all three flops- closest I came was a made flush of the wrong suit with the AK. I continuation betted my AJ, he called, we checked to the river, he bet, I folded- he mucked face up with a straight. AQ had multiple callers- lots of betting, I fold. It went to heads up and both players had better hands than me. The AK came the closest to connecting- I had spades and the flop was three clubs. I got out. The guy with the flush lost to a guy with a full house. Later, I’ve got TT in the BB. It folds to the small blind. She calls. I raise 5x, she calls. Flop comes QJJ. She bets- I fold. Now, with a third of the starting stack I push all in with JTsuited and pray- AQ calls to knock me out. I normally wait for better push hands, but lately even pairs and aces don’t hold up so I am trying to find a balance of “still had some chips for calling to be risky”. Its not working out.

So I am fucking pissed and I come back to the hotel and sleep.

Truth is on a heater at the craps table. He has turned 200 into 800. I meet him there before we go to dinner. He wants to play a little more since he is so hot. He puts some chips in front of me to bet too. He sets a number- we pile out the money- he craps out. We wait another round until its his turn again. He sets a number, we pile money out, he craps out. I’ve been with him 30 minutes and he has lost 25% of his winnings.

We go to dinner. It is good and free with Truth’s comp dollars.

We go to the tourney.

I get string of small pairs in the first hour. 22, 33, 44, 55, and 99. I fold the 22 to a reraise. I fold the 33 UTG. I scoop the blinds with the 44 and 55. I actually get a caller with the 99 and a continuation bet after the flop takes down some money- go team.

I actually buy into a few hands- table is pretty willing to show cheap flops- but not willing to fold to raises. So lots of party pots. I see pots with a couple of AXsuited, JTsuit, 87suited, that sort of thing. I connect with NONE of them. I open a pot with KJsuited and get two callers (note, this is not in order). I flop open ended and lead out- get callers. I turn the straight- but there is a flush- I bet again, two callers, we are all scared of the flush I guess and we check it down. Three way chop with the jack high straight. I had the best hole cards. We three way slip the BB and the SB.

Two more hands. I intentionally put a small stack all in with AJsuited. AJsuited feels like a fucking MONSTER since I haven’t anything better in the 2 hours I’ve been sitting there. He calls with 66. I flop four to the flush and still cannot pull out a fucking win. His stack was less small than I thought- I am hurt.

I get reseated. I get my blinds stolen and cannot defend in good conscious with T4 and T2. I get the SB folded to me and raise 3x and the BB calls. The flop makes a flush for me- I try to slow play it but she won’t put in any money. I toss out a token value bet on the river and she folds face up with 64off. I can’t even imagine why she called.

I am down to about 3 blinds and have T2suited in the SB. It gets folded to me and I take my shot- I get called by AJsuited- my suit.

Game over.

Game the fuck over.

So, Truth went to play more craps. Sheriff went to do a cash game. And even though I had 100 of Truth’s dollars in my pocket I opted to go back to the room.

I had an incredible streak of “can’t win even with the best cards” recently- I haven’t recovered. When you layer on “also you get very few cards” the game is unplayable. When you add in tourney director fuckups and getting seated from the button to the BB twice in two days… Come on. “Its just math?” No. Its not just math. Or rather- who fucking cares if its just math- my ass hurts.

I lost every penny I brought and then about 50% that much again in Truth’s money- probably 1200 total. I regret my play in one 60 dollar buy in. Otherwise I am basically fully supportive of my moves. There are few questions… Should I have pushed all in with my TT in the qualifier? Maybe, but I don’t think the big stack was going to fold and he crushed me on the flop- would the turn-river save me? I doubt it. Should I have gone into a 3 way all-in with the king high flush draw and one street to go? The math says no- I chose not to- the card came and it would have given me chips to coast to the final table… instead I ran totally dry and never got another opportunity. Otherwise I have almost no questions about my play choices.

My fear of falling is too great to jump out my hotel window, but I really feel like I am playing in a world that has been rigged to make me fail. That sounds so silly and childish, but I can’t get past it.

In the 180 seat… the guy to my right goes all in three hands in a row- then limps into my BB when I’ve got K3suited. I hit the 3 and a flush draw and he goes all in- fuck that- I call him. He played 45 and flopped a straight. I wait two hands with my remaining 140 chips and push with QT and go out to K7.

Before I left Truth to head back to the hotel he said “that bad?” as if maybe it was all really okay and I should hang out and fuck up his craps some more. Can he seriously still not “get” that A) when we play craps and he wins I feel like a loser tag-a-long who can’t take care of his own shit and B) when we play craps and he loses I feel like the cause? And if you stack on that that YES it is that bad… How does the experience I’ve had here fit into anything like an acceptable world view? I think because he can’t help he sometimes turns a blind eye to the shit I talk to him about. I suppose this is totally fine- he can’t help so why should he invest in the suffering?- but it still always comes as a shock to me when he is so out of touch with where I am at emotionally.

I might order room service.

You know, I’ve signed on to the belief system of “I’d rather play well and lose than play poorly and win” because I read where the literature said that you will win more over time this way. I cannot believe that the people who wrote said literature could conceive of the failure rate I experience. I think this is Truth and Sheriff’s problem as well. Whenever I push them with details- they fall back to irrelevant meta arguments. Its like shopping for a couch with Cute Helpful One.

SOMETIMES LIFE DOESN’T FIT INTO YOUR NEAT LITTLE FUCKING MENTAL BOXES.

The worst part of all of this- is I don’t know where to spend the anger. And there is a lot of anger. A writhing pit of black hate and rage in my gut… I just feel so fucking helpless.

The odds of being reseated from the button to the big blind are about 100 to 1. There is a 1 in 10 chance of you being on the button when they break your table, there is a 1 in 10 chance of you landing on the big blind at the new table. So, to get seated from the button to the big blind twice- you should need to be reseated 200 times. .5% chance of it. I was reseated about 6 times and it happened twice. So, 33% of the time. 66 TIMES as often as it should have been.

Races aren’t typically 50/50. We call pretty much anything closer than 60/40 a race. Over time you probably spend about equal times on either side of the difference- so we lump them all together. Unless you are looking at my 17 of 20 streak- in which case I was on the GOOD side about 80% of the time. So, with each consecutive race the likelihood of getting the same result diminishes by 50%. Yes, it is also true that each even is itself 50/50, but anyone who says “its just math” is going to need to life an eyebrow when you see streaks of a given result- why? Because it is UNLIKELY! Not “can’t happen” but “happens seldom” And the longer the streak- the less often it happens. So, I am at LEAST 12 straight lost races.

Race 1 – 50/50
Race 2 – 75/25
Race 3 – 87.5/12.5
Race 4 – 93.75/6.25
Race 5 –

NOTE: out of the 360. Trip queens goes down to queens full (no pair on the board).

Fuck my life.

Where was I?

Oh yes.

Race 5 – I am just going to round. 96/4
Race 6 – 98/2
Race 7 – 99/1
Race 8 – 99.5/.5
Race 9 – 99.75/.25
Race 10 – 99.875/.125

And then two more.

Well, I had both this weekend. Lets not even talk about the percentage of pair or premium hands that I did not have.

So, lets recap the whole thing:

Bad things:

Losing a retardedly long string of races
Getting reseated from the button to the big blind twice
Tourney director telling me it was okay to go to the bathroom then starting the game without me
Several long streaks of card dead
Chopping a big pot two ways- twice
Chopping a big pot three ways- once
7 room keys get demagnetized in my pocket

Good things:

I flopped 2 pair and turned a full house once.
I turned 20 into 30 at roulette

I cannot think of another thing that was remotely “good” re: poker on the trip.

Okay, buying into a 5.50 and planning on playing for truth, but my heart rate is doing this thing where it drops really low and I feel like I might faint. I wonder if it is possible to be depressed to death?

First hand I am on the button with A3 off. Five limpers. I raise 6x. They ALL CALL.

Second hand, I raise, hit middle pair, and go all in- I get called by top pair- and I suck out.

Clearly I am not playing this for truth. I am playing this like the angry disappointed fate’s shitbox that I am.

I raise again from late with K9. I get a caller, flop is 229. I go all in- he folds.

This hotel does not offer room service. “they stopped room service back in June”

Oh, of course.

Standard raise with KK from late- all the limpers fold.

Standard raise the next hand with AK suited- three callers. I miss the flop, one guy bets 1/5 the pot- the other guy calls- so I call and we check to the river. I lose.

I just did a quick check- Truth put 495 into my poker this weekend. I will pay him back when we get home.

I get to see two flops for the price of the blind with AXsuited- both miss completely.

I call a small stack all in with AJsuited. He has JToff. I lose.

I go all in with 99 the next hand. NOTE: This is EXACTLY how I went out the morning of the tourney I said I played poorly. I paid off a small stack losing a race- then all in with 99. Oh wait, AJsuited vs. JToff isn’t a race! I was 70% to win.

I am able to limp into a pot with JTsuited. Flop comes 8KK none of my suit. In fear I guess it gets checked to the river. With an A and another 8. None of my suit.

I knockout a smallstack when I put A9 against his 33. The marathon ends.

Although, lets not forget the three hands where I was ahead that I lost in a row at home game night before we left. Did I write about that?

It doesn’t matter. I hate my life.

I limp in the SB with Q?suited and flop an open ended straight flush draw. I lose with Queen high.

I limp into several pots (successfully) with suited connectors- none connect and all prompt all-ins.

I have AJsuited in the SB. IT folds to me, I raise 3x. Big stack calls. Flop is 587 of another suit. He bets, against my better judgement I call- turn is another 5. I fold when he bets again.

Thanks God! Also, fuck you too!

I guess I should have gone all in? That cut my stack in half. I made the call because making that 3x call he probably didn’t have low cards- maybe? He probably bet with a single diamond. I still had monster over cards. Dunno, I feel that IN GENERAL I give up on two overs too often. Clearly I was wrong to pursue it here- but I still think I am too quick to lay them down.

I am in all in till you win time. The guy to my left is the big stack. I know he will call ANYTHING I do. I wait for A9. He calls with AJ. I am saved by the board pairing twice.

The next hand is my BB. I have 72. SB calls. I hit the 7 and go all in. He calls with J7. I turn a deuce. Its like when a kid plays with ants with a magnifying glass.

Note: I am sobbing on and off for the last hour.

I think about killing myself more and more. What happens is I start to psych myself up that there is a way that meets my various “I just want out” criteria. And then I think of how sad and hurt and disappointed my loved ones will be. The trouble is I *know* that that short term hurt will be less than what they are clearly in for otherwise.

I go all-in with AQ and get the blinds.

I go all-in with 44 and get called by AJoff. I hit a set on the flop for a knock out.

I limp with JT and the flop has two queens. I give it up.

Today on my way home from bullshit fucked up tourney number one there was an old couple that was lostish . They were trying to figure out if they should stay on the

I bet heavy in late position with TT and small stack calls. Flop comes AJ8. He makes a min bet for like half his remaining chips- of course I put him all in- he has AJ. Because of my big preflop bet I am now the short stack again.

Old couple- lost on the shuttle. They are trying to find out if they should get off and walk the other way. The shuttle driver is not helping. I know that we are near the end of the line and that the shuttle will be pointed the way they need to go in about 2 minutes. The fucking driver is about to let them get off when I intervene. I explain the route and they gratefully sit back down. I assure them it will be okay and get off. Some lady comes up to me in the parking lot of our hotel to tell me what a nice thing it was and how they had been trying to get help even before I got on. I almost cried.

When this tourney is over I will not play another. I will pack up my stuff and read a book quietly and hope I make it through the night without hurting myself or someone elseor something else.

AA when my blind is about 1.5- it holds up.

Still a desperate short stack.

And all-in vs. the big stack with 55 (how many tourneys can I end with this hand?) vs. his KTsuited. He four flushes to himself.

Done.

Maybe more than poker.