Viva La... la... uh... yeap.

Ninja.

I had decided I would stop writing. I spent a couple of days not doing it and the absence didn’t help and I missed it. So here I am. I am going to modify my writing a bit though. I think embracing some of the dark emotions I was experiencing and communicating them here was hurting me more than helping me. I had thought it would be therapeutic- it was not. I don’t know what to do about that. What I do know is that I am pretty good at poker and think I can get better. I don’t have much else right now and that makes it pretty silly for me to do anything OTHER than put forth every effort to improve.

I am more and more convinced that everyone’s luck is not the same over time. I believe there are people who are “luckier” than other people. I don’t know what luck is- but I mean they will draw better cards, hit more flops, and be in the right place at the right time more often than other people. There is certainly some self-made luck… I’ve quoted before the thing about “preparedness and opportunity” but, beyond that, I think there is something else. For a period of not quite 10 years now I’ve been unlucky. My ability to push on trying to do the right thing because it is right is worn thin. I’m on the edge of giving up- but not yet giving up. So, until those reserves of strength are gone I will continue to try and do the right things because they are right. My hope is that the added skill and discipline I bring to the game is GREATER than my luck deficit. Only time will tell.

The string of bad beats nearly destroyed me emotionally. I am so fragile anyway that it was just more than I could bear. Truth and I were talking the other night though about bankroll management and he suggested that he felt 100 to 1 was an appropriate ratio. I’ve never been more than 20 to 1 and even then I was cracking discipline and getting the occasional 50% or 25% of my bankroll game. Truth made the excellent point that if I lost 15% of my stack to a bad run- I might not react the same way as when I lose 90%. I mean, it’s not about the money here- we aren’t talking about my rent or anything- but it’s the money I’d committed at the time. I try very hard not to think about the game as “just five dollars” or whatever…

Anyway, I think I was babbling there so I will move on.

I completed the destruction of my bankroll and am ready to drop in more money. I got low enough that it was going to take some very solid work to build it back. Then I had even more bad beats. I lost 5 SNG’s this evening. AK to 88 preflop (he had the better hand but his action was ridiculous. Five limpers- he is one of them- I make a pot sized raise- and he reraises half the starting stack- on the first hand? So I put him all in)… Aw fuck it. I don’t remember the details, its 4:45 in the morning, and I just started drinking.

Occassionally when I drink I get a weird allergic reaction or something to the booze. Its happening now- half my face is puffy and red. It is really unpleasant and takes the fun out of drinking. It is weird though because it only happens about 10% of the time- even if I am drinking from the same bottle the whole time…

Anyway, I got another good idea from Wannabe that I hope to implement going forward. I am not sure I can do this with the appropriate levels of discipline, but I will try. He said he would (and this is from a 3 year old archive- no idea how it worked out for him) log why he though people did what they did throughout the tournament. So, instead of just logging the action on hands I am involved in- I will theorize about hands I am not in. This will help me stay focused all the time.

I am going to Denver to attend a Heartland Poker Tour even in a couple of weeks and I really want to bring my A game. Lately I’ve really suffered in “real” live games. I rock the home games- so it isn’t just being at a physical table- or even the pacing… I believe that if I played live in card rooms or casinos regularly I would cure this- but I can’t afford it. So, given that I know I’ve got a weakness and that the primary way I’d like to fight it isn’t available to me- I need to focus even more on the tools I do have.

A few quick mentions…

Sometimes when I talk about this stuff what I am writing comes out as an excuse. And on some levels I guess it is. I am INCREDIBLY hard on myself. So much so that if I don’t go through an exercise to cut myself some slack I really suffer. Then, sometimes, its because I am so dang angry and feel so sabotaged that I need to do something…

Anyway, it’d been a live play dry spell when I went with Truth to Garden City the other week. In three hours I never saw a hand really worth playing and then got cracked when I did have one. I went the next night and was doing okay- then just imploded. I did not know why. A couple of weeks later (two days ago) I went again. I’d taken second in a home game earlier that night and was using the win money to play. I dropped a couple hundred chips trying to see flops with random potential cards- missed the flops- got out. When my second blind came around I was down maybe 800 chips- still very healthy- and I nearly had a goddamn anxiety attack about being blinded out. A guy who had been in every fucking hand (I’ve played with him before) raised from early position in my big blind. I had K8suited and I called. I hit the 8 on a Q high board. I raised the pot, every-hand-guy reraised me about ¾ of my remaining stack, and I fuck-you all-in’d. He, of course, hit the Q.

This was pretty enlightening for me. It was part of the “damn it I want to get paid too” problem I sometimes have. I just get so mad as I watch the loose aggressive players rake in pot after pot when I know they have nothing- or nothing good- that I just… I don’t even know. It’s so irrational I can’t even describe it. So I went out on hand 14 or so. 120 bucks gone.

The flip side of that problem though is playing too tight, letting people walk all over you, and just losing a little later. I don’t know how to balance these things.

Grrrr…

Okay, so I am going to buy back in to Full Tilt for 100 dollars. This is a little over 18 5.5 9seat SNGs. This game has been my strong point and is probably where I need to focus my efforts. But, I was starting to feel that I was losing some of my large field skills when I was playing this exclusively. My tentative plan was to play this level and use my winnings to play large field tourneys- as long as I kept my bank at about 100 bucks. I broke discipline, played large games, then had my bad run.

Well, I think in the short term I need to focus on the single table because it is my strength and I need to push through this fucking bullshit bad luck streak and get back on my A game so I can build some A game momentum. What did that sentence even say? Lemme try again. Playing your A-game and winning makes it easier to play your A-game. The more you play it, the more you win, the easier the whole cycle is. In theory. Right now I’m having trouble keeping up the A-game because even that is losing- and not by my fault.

Okay, got that settled.

Okay, convention. I’d like to record all of my hands. I will now insert those whenever like so:

Me: AToff – pot raise from mid
SB: calls
Flop: 2A5
Me: pot bet
Scoop

Me: A3off – BB got a walk

Me: 66 in 2nd position- pot size raise
Scoop

Me: 99 UTG- pot size raise
Button: calls
BB: calls
Flop TKT
BB: 1/3 pot
Me: reraise
Button: folds
BB: calls
Turn: blank
BB: Bets
Me: fold

Me: Q6off in BB, check
Flop: J37 of my Q suit

Okay, stop.

I can’t record them like that in real time.

I just donked off a lot of chips on a bullshit hand. I am not saying it was the FAULT of my recording… but it did not help.

To finish, I had the Q flush draw. He kept betting- I kept calling. I picked up bottom pair on the turn. The river did not complete my flush. He won with Jack high and had no draw. The problem was that I called a pot sized bet on the river because “maybe he was drawing too” I guess.

I like that format for legability- but it was just too slow. I’d hate to donk out early of my first game after a new buy in. I am damn crippled now too. M is 5 in the first blind level. Insane.

I could double twice and still be in last place.

A8off, pot raise,
BB puts me all in
I call
He has KQ
I trip up my kicker

Last place here I come.

Okay, non poker. And this is fucked up. You guys will love it… not.

For two days now I’ve been experiencing a… rolling sensation… in my chest. As a kid I used to sometimes try to hold my breath… forever? Under water or just sitting… and if I did it for long enough I would get this sensation of sort of a wobbling rolling sensation through my chest and belly. Well, I’ve been getting something similar. Its really disconcerting. And now, and this isn’t tooo abnormal for me- I think I’ve got some circulation issues, my left arm is basically asleep.

Okay, this if funny in a dark sort of way. I almost wrote “I hope I don’t die!” at the end of that paragraph- then decided it would be false.

Oh! 44 in the BB. Second double up?

Ha!

They smelled my desperation and walked me.

AJoff in the SB.

Motherfucker.

3x raise, BB puts me all in, I call
He turns over A8.

We wind up chopping.

Why does god protect my bitches? I need to get my fuck on- too much getting fucked. Its my goddamn turn!

KJoff in late. 3x from UTG. Damn tempted to call. Folding.

KQ from late mid- limping
SB calls
BB fucks it up with a 3x
I call
SB calls
I flop open ended and go all in

They both call.

Fucking radical.

They didn’t both call but I didn’t think the detail was going to be important.

I flopped the top of the open ended.
BB bet 1/3 the pot
I went all in over him
SB called
BB went all in over the SB
SB folded
BB turns over AJ for top pair
I am excited because it means I’ve got open ended PLUS two overs! 14 outs times 2!

I am better than 50% to triple up!

Turn is a blank.

River is a K.

Whew. I am the chip leader. Ha!

88 a minute later
Somebody 3x
Somebody calls
I call
Missed the flop
Checked
Somebody went all in
I hit fold

I need a new/better format.

A7suited in the SB
Min raise from hijack
Button calls
I call
BB calls
Flop K77
Everyone checks to button who bets the pot
I call
Everyone folds
Turn is an 8
I bet, he calls
River is an A
I bet, he calls
I wish I’d pushed him all in
I take a big pot!

He had top pair.

Now, this is good stuff- after I recovered from my donkey moment I’ve had some good fortune. But not massive fortune and I’ve had to fight for it. Nobody has folded shit! (well, I did get a walk with 44?) And like, the guy who poured money into the paired board with top pair… That is why I avoid that shit! Because when you are wrong somebody gets PAID and its not you!

AJoff in the BB
Mid position makes a raise
I reraise
He goes all in for 1/3 my stack
I call
He turns over A9off.

I am now prepared to pay him because- it has happened so much.

Board comes 666

Are you kidding me??

Turn is a J.

The river was not an Ace.

Okay, nice! But the key was my BETTER HANDS held up.

Wannabe has been talking about this a lot. You are going to get fucked 1 in 5 times even with AA every hand. How do you avoid it? What? You thought I was going to give you an answer??? HA!

28suited in late, fold

QToff in mid, raise from UTG, fold, flop is 7TQ… dang, I’d planned on opening if I could… UTG goes all in after the flop. I bet he had JJ.

According to my theory of single table SNG’s last week I could fold my way to the money with my current stack of 4565. I am not sure I believe this anymore… but its close.

Small stack went all in when I had 66. Guy between us raised for protection and I stayed out.

Limped with 9T from late, BB called, missed flop- he checked, I bet, scoop

Min raise from latish with KQ
One caller
I hit top pair
He bet small
I reraise big
He calls
Turn is an Ace
We check it down
He had second pair but rivers a flush to take a big pot.

Motherfucker. How do I avoid that sort of this? Bet into the overcard? Fuck that.

88 on the button, pot raise, scoop

A7off in hijack, min raise (keeping it mixed),
SB thinks a long time- he is shortish stacked and could go all in at any time but folds
BB folds
Scoop

That guy made a SHITTY call with his mid pair flush draw. Damn it. I cannot reconcile a way to push him out that doesn’t conflict with my core philosophies at this time.

AJ in the BB- walk… sigh.

72off in the SB

Ooh, I forgot I ahd cookies.

K9 on the button, I limp because the BB is – I had to stop because it happened RIGHT THERE- ready to go all in. I thought he would see the flop for free but no, he did it with a limper. Oh well. He went all in and I folded. It would have been 700 chips (of my 4k) to call an all-in without a pair or ace or flush draw.

AKsuited next hand, min raising hoping to get the same move. IT WORKED. Shit, he turns over JJ. I get my flush though.

Truth bitches about how I make some of my plays- but my player psychology is pretty strong. Knowing how to set that up so I got the all-in might as well be fucking magic its so awesome. My streak of demoralizing bad beats was ROOTED in that- I got those callers/pushers ON PURPOSE. And if you can’t be positive over time getting your money in good… well… why am I playing?

Enough of that.

Down to 5 and there is an all in challenge. Ooh! Down to 4 as AA takes out AQoff.

Second in chips is the guy who made the fucked up call and hit his flush earlier.

Another nice pot!

I limped with a suited ace.
Flop is AA9.
I check, somebody bets, I call
Its just two of us now
Turn is a 9.
I bet he calls
River is a blank
I bet, he calls
He turns over something with a 9.

I scoop two small pots in a row.

Hard to get the details four handed- it’s so fast.

I give up a small pot- I missed it- he bet- I’m sure he missed it too- but not willing to feed the fire. We are playing MY game fucker.

Stacks are:

Me: 5900
1100
Bad call guy: 4900
1300

Blinds are 80/160

Doh

I paid off second to bottom guy. He worked me good.

Min raised my BB and I had 44.
Flop missed me but was all low.
He went all in.
He had just gone all in the hand before and I was wishing I was there to catch him (he thrust after the turn where I would have had 4 to the Q flush and second pair)
He turned over KK.

Shit.

My house.

My house.

My house.

Money. I take out the small stack KJ vs. K9 preflop.

Very close stacks.

Fuck. They all in and wind up chopping A9 vs AA when the board straights to the Ace.

I make a green note on the A9 guy- he is mr. poor call from earlier and had done the pushing all in- before he had the straight.

Folding through shitty hands waiting for them to duke it out- or gimme some love dealer.

I just paid off the motherfucker that had KK AGAIN when he had KK. He is the one who had the AA a minute ago.

NOTICE I”VE HAD NO FUCKING BIG PAIRS? Not only have I HAD NONE but I’ve run into them TWICE.

KSDFJSDKFJSDKFJSDFSDFUCKYOUASDFSASD

They are trying to blind me out now.

Fuck man. That is fucking brutal. I played that well and then this?

Give me a fucking break.

I double up with A2 vs. 87

I am still desperate small stack guy.

1400 chips with 120/240 blinds

This is familiar territory for me though. At least I’ve got strong theory.

And out in third. I pushed with AT and ran into AK. Oh, from the KK motherfucker too.

Hey, can we track that in my list of fuckings and anger? I want to have a ratio of premium pairs I run into- vs. premium pairs dealt. And then I want to anally rape god with all of them. What an asshole. Fuck that.

5.5 SNG 9 seat

One purple guy with a “twice” marker. I move him to “three times”.

24off

My drink is gone and I forgot to pee. Shit. I will try to sneak them in.

Autfolded a Q3off in the bathroom- no worries.

Drink next hand!

Nope! AQoff. Gotta play it.

Pot size bet from 2UTG
One caller
Flop top two pair
Check
He bets
I think… and call
Omg I am out.

OKAY THERE IS SOMETHING I DO WRONG AND I NEED TO OWN UP SO I CAN FIX IT!

Sometimes I feel “in control” of a hand and slow play it a bit. Then, a danger card comes and I somehow decide the way to TEST FOR THE DANGER is to push. If the card WAS dangerous I just fucked myself!

So, I “think and call” and the turn comes a J. It is also the second of a flush. So, I *PUSH ALL IN* and he calls with KT.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO>?????

I can only be mad at myself. BUT OMFG!!!

Thank god for the additive flavor properties of booze. I zoned out while pouring and filled half the fucking glass. Also my fridge smells like a demon took a shit in it. Fucking roommates are animals.

5.5 SNG 9 seat

95off on the button

Seriously, this drink tastes like a shot. I shiver and shake and make faces after each sip.

Folds to me- I min raise, BB calls, then checks the flop, I don’t even look, I just bet, and he folds.

AKoff in hijack, pot raise, they all fold.

A2 in cutoff- raiser in front, I fold

JToff in mid- fold.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT FUCKER HAD KT AND THAT ASSCLOWN IN THE GAME BEFORE HAD KK, AA, and KK… THAT I KNOW OF!!!

AToff in UTG+1. I minraise. This is a tactic I use to scare people into letting me see a cheap flop. Two callers, I miss the flop but bet the pot anyway- scoop.

SEE TRUTH? Its not that I don’t make moves- I just do them when I have some kind of something to back it up. Position- an ace- something. Harrington has something to say on this. Loosely paraphrased he says “since you don’t want to make a move every time you need some mechanism by which to randomize your play- use the deck and just have a card threshold that dictates your moves”

Limped with TJoff on the button
BB raises 6x
Calling based on position
Flop is AK5
He bets half the pot- I call even though I shouldn’t. It’s that assclown with the fucking KT possessing me. I miss the turn- he bets BIG- and I get out.

I’ve now lost my steal money.

Okay, I finally got all of the can of soda into the GLASS FULL OF WHISKEY. Now I can focus.

Ooh! Premium pair. KK from mid.

Min raise. Guy from last hand reraises. I rereraise. He rereraises. I go all in. He calls.

Oh look- he has AA. I am out in 9th.

Okay, before I fucking explode I’d like to point something out.

I make all this talk about luck. Then, my first game goes pretty well. I hit some solid flops, I’ve got some decent hole cards. It’s not AMAZING, but it’s good. Although, I go out third instead of first, because of some serious misfortune. (hidden overpair twice from the same guy??). Then, I get *fucked* two games in a row. I made a bad move after flopping two pair in the previous game. But him playing KT and straighting like that? Gimme a break. Then KK vs. AA? These are mistakes in the “you need to forgive yourself and say that’s poker” category. NOBODY wins all the time and if this is how you go out- you can’t be too pissed at yourself. So, here I had some MINOR good fortune then a bunch of BAD fortune. Net result? Almost 10% of my bank is gone. I won 9 at the cost of 5.5. Then lost 11. Bank is now 92.50.

If I ever say things like “my luck is always bad” “that never happens to me” etc… I am using hyperbole to make a point. It is conversational exaggeration. What I really mean is “I get fucked far more often than I should and I get lucky far less often than I should- the net of my circumstances if fucked up and sucks”. So, don’t be a pain in my ass if I am fucking bitching about how I hate everything and then I get JJ. It is insulting to my angst.

5.5 SNG 9seat

J4off UTG+1, fold

AKoff UTG, pot raise
SB calls
Flop is 838
He checks, I bet the pot, he calls
Turn is a K
I bet the pot
He folds

T3off in the SB
Many limpers
I limp
BB limps
Flop is 3T8
I check
Somebody bets,
Somebody calls
I bet the pot
First better folds
Second guy goes all in
I call
He turns over Q9
He does not get a jack

AKsuited in late
Several limpers
Pot bet
Scoop

Neil Diamond is singing America quietly and it gave me the chills.

I folded A5 from mid and the board was 577 and somebody scooped. Hhhmm…

BB with QTsuited, checked with one limper
Missed the flop
Checked to the river
He min bet
I did not believe him
I called
I won with Q high

Q9suited on the button
Pot bet- scoop

The pot bet button on full tilt uses ALTERNATE UNIVERSE THEORY MATH which means… I think… it’s broken? With blinds at 20/40 and no action the pot should be 60. I hit the pot bet button and it bets 140. I don’t know what kind of freak juju this is- but I’ve been using it lately.

I think Gus Hansen is a stupid donkey. Reading his book he describes what sounds like basically no strategy. Bet and Hope maybe? Dunno. I am about 25% of the way through and he says, “this tournament is going pretty well so far but the most important thing was that my opponents had jack shit zero zilch nada” Well, uh, yeah- that does help doesn’t it?

That said, I’ve found his writing influencing my play. And not all in a good way. I certainly was hearing him in my head when I pushed all-in with second pair at the live game the other day. But, I’ve been reraising a LOT more and to good effect- generally.

DANG IT ALL!!

I had 88 in mid and a small stack bet out- I was calculating what reraise would put him all in when a medium stack went all in. I did not feel good taking them both on- I did not want to pay off medium guy. So I folded. They turned over KQ and A8. I would have taken them both out!

AKsuited in mid
Raise in front of me
Pot reraise
Scoop

This runs a little counter to some of my thinking re: flop hands, I am still sorting it all out.

I just paid somebody off. I am irritated with myself. I am not a cop and I was acting like one.

Shame on me.

OH AND THIS IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE BY THE WAY.

Saw a flop for cheap with A2suited. Board cames 33A. I bet into it, some various betting and calling to the river- he turns over 39. I lost 1500 chips or so. A whole starting stack worth.

Min raise UTG with A2suited (again) – scoop

Limped with J9suited from hijack
Board is 88k
Everyone checks
I bet out
I get called
I am done with the hand and fold to the next bet.

SEE HOW FUCKED UP THAT IS???

Fuck I wish I never bet into a paired board ever before or ever again.

I am selecting the best cookies from the Pepperidge farm package.

KK in UTG+1, min raise, scoop

Better than getting cracked I guess.

QJoff in BB, check with 2 limpers
AK9 board
Min bet scoops it

KJsuited in SB
Raise and a reraise- I fold
Raiser was K4, reraiser was AA
It goes all in preflop
K4 guy four flushes his 4

Everyone bitched at him for being a donk.

He drops AA the next hand.

I gave him a green tag now.

SB, limp with 56
Flop open ended
Small bet
One caller
I turn a 6 but never hit my straight
He wins with a pair of 7s

The guy who made the crazy K4 move’s name is airbus380knocka. I asked what his name meant and a different guy named Niuzairen says “me?” and I say “no, I know your name means demonface”… There is a pause and he says “my name doesn’t mean demonface” Awesome.

AJoff in mid, pot bet, one caller
Made flush board- other guy goes all in

5 handed and my stack is okay but not great.

I call a min raise to see a flop with K2. Paired board- guess what I am doing?

There is a microstack- after him I am the short stack now. I need to make some good cards pay.

Gotta be a little careful since micro is certainly in “all in thrust any moment” mode.

KJsuited in mid, 3x raise- and guess who goes all in?

I need to call, he turns over A5. And gets paid.

I am now micro.

I want to fucking stab somebody.

How does the cocksucker who pushed all in against AA with K4off have 6x my stack??????????????

Fold 33 in late with a min raise ahead of me to preserve equity.

I want to get knocked out by the worse hand when my hand has an ace.

Stacks are
Me 800
4200
1800
4700
1800

Blinds are 50/100

A7off, all in, scoop

Q7suited in the BB, min raise from K4 guy- I want to call but reraise from SB, fold

They go all in with AK and A3. A3 wins to double up. This is actually bad for me.

I raise from the hijack with Q9, scoop

That was risky given my stack.

Called a minraise from the BB with QT but missed and had to give it up.

Doubling up will leave me in last.

44 in the BB
Min raise from UTG, he gets a caller, I call, flushed board of low cards, I push all in. K4 guy calls- with the AT of that suit. Fuck me. Note: if he had not played two of that suit- I would have doubled.

The A5 double up and cripple me guy made a good move. I made the correct call though. Goddamn it. I think if I make the correct move and get fucked- its getting fucked. Anyone disagree with that?

5.5 SNG 9seat.

I need to take first for my ROI for the night to be anything other than negative. This is probably my last game- hell, I was too tired to play with my first game and this is 5 I think.

I am definitely frustrated now. Folding hands- only like 5 in- and I am already feeling chaffed.

Lock it up Ninja. I know this is your house- and you got fucking raped in it- but that is no reason not to feel secure in your power. Honest. It was a fluke. The math is on your side- really. It’s not pimping you out to any jackass with two cards. Even if it seems that way.

KK in UTG+1. 3x, scoop.

Is it really better than getting cracked? I have trouble getting behind that sometimes.

AQoff in the BB
two limpers
3x raise from somebody
SB thinks… and folds
I call
One limper folds
I flop the full house. (QAAboard)
We all check
Turn is another Q
River is a blank

AND GUESS WHAT THIS MEANS?????

WHEN I GET THE FUCKER WITH AT ALL-IN WE FUCKING CHOP

SEE? It looks like maybe its good fortune but instead it’s a fucking BULLSHIT FUCKOFF SUCKOUT FUCKING.

FUCK YOU

FUCK
FUCK
FUCK

UNfuckingREAL

79suited in late, I limp with everyone else, paired board

I decide for a change of pace I will fuck myself in the ass.

That keeps me busy while we check to the river and the board pairs again and then two guys with aces chop the pot.

66 in late, one limper, I raise the pot, he calls, paired board- he makes a min bet- I pot bet reraise and he folds

I won the pot- but I still feel fucked. This is why my mental state is so fucked.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

GODDAMN IT MAKES ME SO MAD.

Limp with JQ
Q2A board
Everyone checks- I bet, scoop

America has come through the rotation again. This time no chills. Just hate.

I start cursing out (wittily) the guy who chopped the pot with me.

He says “lmao” but I think he is hurting inside.

QQ utg, 3x raise,
BB calls
Underbards
I bet the pot
BB calls
Turn is a K
BB bets small on turn and river- I call my way out 200 more chips

I am now in danger of breaking stuff.

I am now seriously tilted and angry.

How can I reconcile this sort of hand resolution?

My aces full boat gets hijacked, my KK gets cracked, my QQ gets cracked… Is there some opposite math happening to counter this that I am failing to notice?

AToff on the button, no action, pot bet, SB goes all in.

I call. He has AQ

I am out.

Why did I call? BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER????????

How could I possibly go to bed now?

5.5 SNG 9 seat.

I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about feeling stuff. But my rage is now coupled with equal amounts of sadness. It just feels so futile. Its been like this for four days now. The feelings AND the bad beats.

A7suited on the button
Raise
SB calls
Flop is K25, he bets, I fold

There is a lot of poker stuff that I do not know that I would like to know and should know. I should be studying the shit out of the math- hand vs. hand percentages- ratios of move success vs. cost, etc…

AKoff early, pot bet- scoop

Anyway, I’d like to be studying this stuff but it feels so totally worthless in the face of these CONSTANT fucking bullshit hands.

Min raise from early with 66. Two callers, miss the flop, see a free turn, miss that too, fold to a bet. Fold KT from UTG.

See a free flop from the BB with Q2 off. Board is AA something and the SB bets.

I am starting to shiver. I hope it’s because I already died. I swear if I see a light I am running right for it.

Limp with a couple others from the SB with K4suited, miss the flop, fold.

AKsuited in the hijack.
No action, I pot bet, scoop

Fuck this, fuck you, fuck everything. Goddamn it.

My full house gets counterfitted????

First place will leave me down for the night.

And I’ve played well. Not perfect. But well. Fuck this.

While looking into depression and suicide on the web earlier (today?) I came across a lot of –

AToff UTG+1, raise, BB calls
I miss the flop, he checks, I bet, he folds,
That was nice

I came across a lot of “hehehe you should lock yourself in your car in the garage with a gas BBQ and tape the windows so you suffocate” or “this is the way you should kill yourself to suffer the most…” Dude, why the fuck would I want to suffer more? As it stands I get attacks where I get so upset and hurting that I get CONFUSED AND PANICED. Lets be clear- I would like to die. But I want to die so I can STOP feeling like this. Who would want to make it worse? People are fucking dumb. Those posts were probably written by K4off guy who cracked the AA earlier.

Nobody is out yet, I’ve got starting stack plus 40 chips and am in second place.

Rockets in mid. I’ve had no fucking action with anything so I only min raise.
BB calls
Flop is 7TK with two diamonds- I bet the pot- he folds

You know… There is a silver lining to the assfucking math has given me this evening. I am up and playing poker and drinking instead of trying to sleep (for those of you that don’t know me I’ve got REAL BAD sleeping issues) and its trash day. So I can hear the NOISEY AS FUCK garbage truck that has to reverse down our court and I am NOT trying to sleep. Shit, I would pay 20 bucks for that. I might make another deposit and just pretend tonight didn’t happen.

A7off in the BB
3x from the button
I almost reraised- but called and missed the flop instead.
I stalled a real long time before checking- maybe scare him into letting me see the turn
No dice
Fold

Q8off in the SB- folding to big raises

K8off on the button- same

Going to run to pee after hijack.

KJsuited, blinds are 40/80 and a pot bet is 280? I get reraised all in.

And now I am short stacked- go team

I fold KJoff from now early mid…

Yeah, last place. Awesome.

Given the history what do you think guys? Should I have called that all-in reraise with KJsuited? To get cracked by 57off?

Man, I feel like I am going to throw up. This was happening earlier too so I can’t even blame the booze and cookies.

After the blinds I am down to less than 1k chips.

66 in late, I go all in and get INSTACALLED I don’t even need to watch
Oh and awesome a SECOND caller…

AA and KK.

Okay, it happened. I sucked out. I hit a 6.

But, like I said, just enough good comes to make the bad even worse. Even first place and I am still a LOSER for the night. And I’ve got a long way to go before that happens. A long way that is REALLY HARD to travel when you’ve lost faith.

6 handed. First in chips. And fighting hyperventilating from upsetness. I can’t even enjoy the fucking suckout because of the contrast it creates.

F
O
L
D
I
N
G

5 handed though- the bubble bubble

Me: 2770
2500
2600
1200
4000

Blinds are 60/120

K9suited in the BB
SB limps
I raise, scoop

TT in the SB
3x
BB calls
2Q7 board
I bet
He reraises small
I call
Turn is an A
I check
He bets big
I fold

I limp with 33, miss the flop

I try to limp with KJ, get raised

And now I am basically the small stack.

Go team!

Man, I am just bone tired now. I don’t think it’s the lack of sleep though. I think its related to the last few hands. I plan on toeing the line re: discipline but my spirit is just crushed. Honestly, that suckout hurt more than helped.

Tied for small stack but in SB so now small stack and folding 72off.

A9off on the button- folding to raise from big stack

Two of the five people left can pay me off trivially now.

One is immediately to my left.

Oh, and for fun- the other is on my right.

AK in SB
Min raise
SB calls
I miss the flop but stab anyway, he folds

AKoff in the BB- walked

Blinds are 100/200 and I’ve got 1400 chips.

QK on the button, min raise takes it

Okay, on the bubble but the microstack.

I raise with K9off and get reraised all in and fold.

I am at about stab all in time.

I all in with 88 and get two callers

But I triple up when KT and KQ both miss.

120/240 blinds are MASSIVE

I make a scary all-in call to chop a pot. (KT hitting top pair)

Steal the BB with QQ and count myself lucky. How fucked up is that?

Guy next to me took a hit and is small stack- so of course he is now super volatile.

I double him up when he goes all in on a flush draw and hits.

I steal the blinds with TT

Still leaves me small stacked.

That flush payout hurt.

All-in with any ace time again.

Blinds are 150/300

I’ve got 1670

BANG MONEY

Oh shit

Whew

All in with bottom pair, he folds

Totally in stab or nothing land. Hoping big stack takes out medium stack.

AA with an M of 1, and I get cracked by 47.

And, goodnight.