You should probably skip this one.

Ninja.

DISCLAIMER: Excluding days of honest tragedy… Today has been the worst day of my life. In terms of raw emotional bullshit- today ranks the top. I suppose there have been days where I experienced a higher degree of passion in my self loathing and internal struggles- but today I reached a new low relative to my ability to handle it. There is some decent stuff in tonight’s ramblings, but if you still love me and are not yet immune to my self inflicted pain- you might want to skip it. It gets pretty bad.

2/3 my chips are gone. Goddamn big blind.

One limper.
I had Q2.
Flop is 8TQ with two clubs
I bet
He calls
Turn pairs the 8
I bet
He reraises small
I don’t believe he has the 8
I call
River is an ace
He bets about ¼ the pot
I think and call
He turns over 9J for the made straight

Caught a big stack thinking I was full of it to more than double up back to healthy.

AQ in the SB.
A limper
Min raise from mid field
A caller
Decided to call rather than reraise preflop
BB folds
Original limper calls
I flop TPTK and go all in
Original raiser calls with second pair top kicker

C’mon dealer- give me some fucking cards. I’ve had two playable hands and we are at hand 55.

IFUCKINGHATEME AND IK WISH fkSDLJFSDKLJFs

GOD I AM SO FUCKING MAD

I get my THIRD playable hand while typing that I need a hand. QQ. Big raise gets one caller- flop comes with a K. Half pot bet pretty much commits me- he thinks a long time and then bets. I call because A) I am committed and B) why would he think so long? What is he scared of? The answer was- no fucking clue- he had AK.

I am out. I cannot describe how much this shit fucking bothers me. I wanted to die BEFORE I logged in for fuck’s sake.

After Dinner:

I would not have been pot committed. I would have been brutally hurt- but not crippled. It would not have been hopeless at all. It is also true that second pair or under pocket pair will OFTEN push the small stack all in on that flop- but I could have folded. The Cute Helpful One was staring at me- I’d already been a dick earlier and said we would go to dinner after- I felt betrayed by the flop- I was demoralized after yesterday (still)- and had had a horrible day wrestling with depression. I call because “aw fuck it I will show you how fucked up I can make it” which is something that makes me hate myself and my place in the world *even more*.

I wasn’t always like this. I don’t want to be like this anymore.

I picked up a great quote from the Wannabe blog. “Without theory there is no hope” and the problem I have is I no longer have any theory about how to make things better. I am hopeless most of the time. I just want to check out. I hate the melodramatic feel of a lot of my ranting but its an accurate reflection of what is going on inside me. I wish I’d never been born- or was dead- anything but this. When people say shit like that in movies or TV shows people always ask questions like, “But what about your friends/mom/husband/whatever- wouldn’t they be sad and hurt without you?” and my answer is “yes, but they would get over it and be better off”

I fucking hate this.

5.5 SNG 9seat

Down to 360 chips. Raised from early with AQ. Was reraised by a guy I had notes on- I put him all in- he called with A7. And I lose almost all my chips.

All in with my last 200 chips and a 44 to get called by Q9 who hits a straight to win.

5.5 SNG 9seat

My bankroll is now BY FAR the lowest it’s been in a week and a half. Why? Well, ¾ of it is a string of losing every fucking improbable race possible. Why keep playing? Why keep breathing? Poker is pretty much just been a metaphor for everything else in my life.


KK cracked by QQ

Let me tell you how I feel. I should stop playing poker because I cannot win- even by making the right choices. If I am going to stop playing poker I might as well kill myself because a lifetime of cultivating an intelligent and creative mind has still not provided me with the ability to imagine what I would do now. I am starting to get old. My competitive sporting background has left me damaged in several ways closing doors to things I dreamed of doing in my late middle age. I’ve ruined every professional avenue I’ve pursued- although, much like poker- largely through no execution level fault of my own. I frequently take some solace in the support I have from friends and family- and then I comment on my fear that it will eventually run out. The out rings have already begun to flinch. I do not believe I am a good father- certainly not for lack of trying. So what is left? An unhealthy old age of distracted mediocrity? Play video games, get fat, and die of a heart attack at 50? I cannot take more disappointment. I’ve been saying for a year or two now “I don’t think I would ever serious consider suicide- but I wish I could be dead.” But lately I’ve started thinking about the deed. Not in any practical sense, but images of it pass through my head in a way they did not before.

AA cracked. AK suited. Go team.

Let’s have a new challenge. If I can burn through the rest of my bankroll tonight without going out to a mistake- which is to say if I can kill the rest of my bankroll with my money in GOOD every time. I’ll do it.

Just to keep this fun- I am at 42 dollars BTW. Down from my high of 120. I am in a game now. So, we are looking at 9 more. If I can get fucked 9 more times in a row- or a total losing value of 9 more times (I could cash 3rd- but then get fucked twice more) then we can end the charade.

With about 3k in chips I called a small stack all in with A3suited- he had K7 and hit a set of kings.

So, hanging out on the pre-bubble bubble, keeping pace with the blinds by raising from position- half decent cards and a table of sheep have helped with this. But what I really want to do is discuss Right Decisions, Self Worth, The Meaning of Life, and so on.

I can, for a time, take solace in good decision making. Hey, I got beat, but at least I made the right choice. Note: I just folded on the button with A6 because of multiple limpers and it’s the bubble 2 aces in the flop. So, that solace begs the question, at least for me, how long can you stand in the middle of the playground covered in the spit of other students telling yourself they are only mean because they are jealous? The problems I have- IN EVERY FACET OF MY LIFE- come from this very question. How long, in the face of failure, can you reasonably be expected to put on the strong face and press on? There comes a point where you are just being a stubborn ass and I believe that I passed that point a long time ago. But this isn’t a schoolyard. I can’t go hide in the nurses office. There is nowhere else to go. If that scenario were real- I’d be ready to start stabbing the other kids. How do you stab fate and circumstances?

On another note…

My mother likes to throw a handful of… bathroom products? Into everyone’s stocking each year. So we get floss, toothbrushes, deodorant, soap- whatever. Last year I got some hand lotion. It’s been sitting on my desk unused for almost a year. I am not a lotion guy- even when I take care of business.

Okay, telling that story poorly- keep that in mind- I need to set the scene.

Earlier tonight I destroyed another mouse. My temper has been expensive on computer peripherals in the last year.

Anyway, so I dig out a wireless mouse that I’ve retired about four times. It is really old and has grime and shit all over it. I get the bright idea to wipe it down with a zit pad thing. Well, the chemicals in the zit pad reacted poorly with the rubber material on the sides of the mouse and it became really sticky. This was driving me crazy.

I then had the bright idea to put some lotion on it. Thinking it might sink in and it would become… smoothish? So, I’ve got this lotion sitting here….

It turns out this lotion is made out of perfume and napalm. EVERYTHING stinks like a men’s locker room now. I’ve washed my hands and wiped down the mouse- but I can still smell this horrible chemical perfume smell. Aaagghh terrible.

For those of you not close to me you should know that I’ve done extensive research on the depression thing. The problem I always circle back to is- my shit is fucked up and sucks. I’m not a rich kid with every opportunity who is just sad. Doors have been slamming in my face every direction I turn for YEARS. I am ASHAMED of myself in front of the ones I love. When they say things “but we love and care about your” I can see the disappointment behind their concern- AND THEY ARE RIGHT TO BE DISAPPOINTED.

Folded 77 UTG.

The table is ready for people to start cracking and I don’t want to race if I can avoid it.

Okay we are on the bubble. It stings though.

BB with A4off and I see the flop for free.

Flop comes 823
I make a min bet
Guy to my right reraise the pot
Guy who checked before me goes all in
I fold
They turn over A8 and 22
I river the straight- or would have.

And in two hands I go from table captain to second small stack.

The cologne smell is killing me. If that is how I have to go out- maybe I can wait. (joke)

Raised with 55 to have table captain go all in over me. I folded. M is now 5.

Despite some steals my M is now 3

M is 2

Scraped through the bubble.

Scraped into second.

I was going to caveat earlier that going out in heads up wouldn’t count. I guess if you are talking about killing yourself and you are throwing out conditions like “except by drowning in cologne” and “except if I lose in heads up” you aren’t really ready. No problem. There is time.

So, I went out in heads up- money went in good. I hit top pair and check raised the guy all-in. He had second pair but hit his kicker on the river. Given that I was at an M of less than 1 for like 4 rounds- this was pretty badass. I don’t want to recount the whole thing as it would be a lot of typing- but I am proud of my play.

Lets just be clear on something- when you are proud of your performance- and fucked anyway- it hurts more than can be easily expressed.

5.5 SNG 9seat

The following is a direct quote from The Tao of Poker:

Rule 39: When we are playing and we get “burned”, and we simply ignore this and play on, we are violating one of the deepest instincts of mankind.

Avoidance of pain is one of the hard-wired parts of the human brain. It is organic, a built-in response. Everything we have ever learned suggests “avoidance” (or changing of our behavior) in such situations. We almost have to go against ever fiber of our being to continue doing a thing we know is right but that is giving us negative feedback. Every impulse is telling us we must be on the wrong track, since the strategyu we are using keeps losing. Overcoming this instinct and forging on in spite of it is part of the mastery of the game.

Continuing to make yourself do things that will work in the long run but that aren’t working in the short run is one of the hardest lessons of poker. To push on through this- despite the evidence that is right in front of our eyes- is a necessary phase in the education of the poker player.

Part of me feels comforted when I read this. Part of me wonders if it is aimed at players more junior than me. Part of me wonders if I am the martyr exception that breaks this thinking.

God, everything feels sticky now.

I’ve washed my hands twice- they still smell like cologne. The mouse is sticky again/still.

Moderately short stacked after getting reraised all-in twice from a guy in the blinds.

Another depression inducing “correct play”.

AT in the BB with a pretty small stack
Small stack (3/4 of me) goes all in
Big stack in the SB reraises enough to put me all in
I fold
They turn over KJ and 55
I would have won with tens to triple up and be healthy again.

Pocket tens under the gun
3x raise
One caller
Flop comes AT2
I check
He checks
Turn comes a 6
He bets the pot- I reraise all in for like 200 more
He calls
Turns over AJ

Got stung a bit by a reraise all in from another guy.

Can’t go for all your chips with KJoff.

Note: the two all-in reraisers are to either side of me.

Pocket eights in the SB
Small stack tries to limp
I put him all in
He turns over AT
And hits two more Aces to double up

Folded QJ to another all-in reraise when I tried to limp from the button. I know that guy is full of fucking shit but it’s the bubble and I am not a cop.

Through the bubble.

Hey guess what- I went out in third WITH MY MONEY IN GOOD AGAIN.

Two pair for the big stack on the river- again.

5.5 SNG 9 seat

Made a poor call. Was open ended with an overcard and called a pot sized bet. Turn paired the board and the guy went all in. I was just writing in some notes about how just because somebody else is full of shit it doesn’t mean you have a hand… this is part of the “I am not a cop” discipline. Down to 2/3 my stack.

Folded an A2suited when the small stack (80% of mine) went all in- I would have tripled up. How do I not let this stuff effect me? Affect me?

Took another big hit. Called a raise with AT with position- guy makes a huge bet after the flop- it missed me- but he does it every time.

Doubling up will still leave me a short stack.

All in with 44 even with a raise ahead of me because my M is 3. They hold up to AQ.

Fuckers- walked me with AK.

AJ in the SB
Hijack min raises
I reraise all in
That guy has been a bit reraise thruster without showing any cards.
He calls with 99
I hit a J.

He implodes and goes out 2 hands later.

That puts us on the bubble.

Lost some chips- sloppy work- I deserve to get stung.

SB limped into my BB
I reraised with A7- he calls
Board comes KJT
He checks
I check
Turn is an A
He checks
I bet thinking “ooh my ace!”
And he goes all in
Thank god I realized before I called that all it took was a Q.

This leaves me the short stack again though.

Two limpers to my SB with 77
I reraise all in
Everyone folds but the button who calls with A8.
He flops a full house.

Done.

Hey! Money in good again!

5.5 SNG 9seat

I should not play again- I am tired and demoralized and its been a horrifically emotionally draining two days.

I need to do some analysis to see if I win/lose more money by stabbing at pots with the second best hand and getting caught by the best- or by checking it down with the drawing guy and losing.

I hit second pair with AJ and open ender guy stayed with me after my post flop raise. We checked to the river where he hit a Q- and then… I love this part… I called his river bet.

This leaves me down to 2/3 my stack- but my M is still good.

Called a min raise from the BB because there was another caller (5 to 1 odds). Flop came down AA8 and I had an 8 but of course the original raiser had an Ace- so I gave it up.

The guy who represented the Ace in the last hand just got stung.

He min raised my BB again
SB called- again
I called- again- this time with AT
Flop is a T high
SB checks
I check- knowing Button will stab
Button stabs- about half my stack
SB folds
I reraise all in
Button calls
He hit the T too- but with a J kicker

Same fucking guy lost some chips but only because he was a coward. Fucker raised preflop with 39suited. I had QQ and reraised- he called. Flop came AKblank. We checked to the river. I’m sure he checked it out because of my reraise.

He went out the next hand going all in with 33 preflop.

I went through a period a couple of years ago when things had gotten really bad where I started experiencing things that seemed like maybe the result of some nerve damage? Weird sensations on my skin- like bugs crawling- and seeing shadows move out of the corner of my eye. Like, a shadow swooping across a room- kind of like when a bird flies over you… Anyway, at the time we had more bugs than “normal” in the house. I was living in marin and it was very lush- my house was an older Eichler that did not seal well- and it was a bigger house than we needed so lots of the house wasn’t traffic’d as heavily as one might want to prevent critters from moving in. Anyway, there often WERE bugs on me- so it made it hard to blame the nerves completely since the false sensation was only the case like… ¾ of the time…

I figured this was something I would need to live with the rest of my life- but shockingly it went away. Over the past couple of weeks the sensations on my skin have been coming back. Then, just now, I saw a big shadow flit across the far side of the room.

Given my current state I wish I was superstitious because with the way I’ve felt this last 30 hours or so I’d love to be able to blame demonic possession.

Couple of good hands there… Got to see a free flop in the BB with 92suited. A guy with AT suited had limped from late- good thing I didn’t hit my flush- he had my suit. Anyway, I flopped the full house. He bet into it the first two streets so I was able to check call. Then I bet the river and he called- I just wish I could have bet harder and believed he would call.

Then I had 99 in the SB and the button raised- I reraised him and he called- then I flopped a set. I got him all in on a flush draw- he got 4 but not all 5.

The guy who I full housed a minute ago just let me see a flop with 8T for free and I hit 2 pair. This time I tried betting- hoping he wouldn’t want to take any more of my shit- but he folded. Oh well.

Oh and bubble.

Gave up the chip lead. Called a small raise with KJsuited. Flop came with the Ace of my suit but otherwise I missed it. I checked and he bet the pot- probably laying- but oh well.

Why do I always go fucking card dry on the bubble? This is a great time to steal like a motherfucker and I get endless fucking streams of 68off, 24suited, 73off, its fucking crazy making.

Again I give away chips not pushing a hand when I have it the best. I flopped top pair shitty kicker. He bets I call, he bets I call, he bets I call. He had nothing, second pair, then two pair.

Now, on the one hand this makes me fucking OUTRAGED at myself for not pushing. On the other hand- and this is a pretty big deal- I’ve lost SIX TOURNAMENTS IN A ROW going in with the best hand and getting drawn out by 2 pair on the river.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?????

Down to third… Called a small raise with KJoff- he goes all in on a 234 flop.

Hey, bubble broke.

Out in third. He had the better hand. Although, I can still be pissed- just this time at me- because it was a discipline crack. I just… I made it through the bubble… I am hungry… wanting to die is fucking horrible and hard… and I want to go lay down in a dark room. So, I had an Ace and pushed all in.